The phase come from graffiti written on a toilet wall in a French ski resort and became a mantra I live by – I made stickers up and had them on everything fast I’ve owned – bikes, motorbikes, surfboards, cars.
You are not dead yet – you have a choice – yes you only live once and it implies that you have to do things in an Instagramable, statement style blow up. You are not dead yet doesn’t demand that level of commitment to a splash – it’s more of a mindset, a foundation stone, a reminder that you have a choice and while you have that choice make sure you make a choice not get railroaded, stuck in a rut unless you want to……..It’s also not about constant positivity – leukaemia doesn’t work like that – its shit (sorry mum), like really shit so perma smile runs thin very fast – you are not dead yet defines a belligerence, a strength that doesn’t want to be beaten.
It feeds in strange places in your mind, the bit after the positivity runs out – on many occasions not giving people the satisfaction of my suffering and in my mind was enough to drive me on. Much of the journey is in the mind, for much of the time it’s not a fight against cancer it’s a fight against the cure – the impact of the treatment that in my case swiftly dispatched the initial leukaemia and put it in remission.
This false dawn is hard to deal with as the months and months of Chemotherapy is what takes the struggle to a different level. A level of not being yourself, of consistently feeling some elements of fatigue, sickness and often low level pain. But also and perhaps harder to contend with constant fear and doubt – they said it would be ok, they said they could cure me, will I ever get back to what I really want – what I took for granted my life as was?
You are not dead yet but it’s not a fight you can necessarily control – I was in the hands of the Christie and the thousands of people who work to cure and research cancer of all kinds – they are the heroes and foot soldiers of this battle I am a receptacle of their work and my mind, attitude and mentality can support and nurture that work but I don’t subscribe to an individual’s fight – it’s a team sport.